The Unemployment Diaries

Pointers 28.02.10

Happy pretend-you’re-going-to-work-tomorrow day!

We all deserved to drink that much beer, scream like babies when Sid scored gold, or boycott the game, drink wine instead of beer, and read the New York Times. All types of people are welcome here. Especially editors and/or family members of important people in the media.

Whether or not we all like our national sport, we can all agree on one thing: running into high school people is awkward (yes, even if you were the popular girl. Trust me, I was). Running into high school people when you don’t have a job and living at your parent’s place is like putting the rotten cherry on top a cake made of lies, insecurities, and panic. Trust me. I’ve been eating it a lot lately.

A coffee shop just opened a block away from my house, which is great for having a reason to leave the house, but bad for trying to forget my current situation. Every time I walk through the doors there are at least two people reminding me that I used to wear platform shoes and tight shirts (maybe that’s why I was popular?!?) or that I live at home with no job.

I guess I should feel comforted by the fact that these other people must be in a similar situation (our neighborhood doesn’t have many kids who don’t live with her parents) but instead it makes me feel mad at my high school for telling us the high percentage of people that move onto post-secondary education, rather than the high percentage who come back to the house with their baby picture on the fridge.

Me at university pretending to be at a high school dance. I just learnt what Simulacra was...

The way I see it, there are two options when faced with an ex-high schooler (if you like dressing up as the opposite sex, there’s your third): Play stupid or man up.

Option one requires co-operation. If the other person is willing to act like they can’t see two metres in front and to quickly turn their head every time your eyes meet, bravo! That kind of coordination rivals that cute Canadian figure skating couple that won gold.

Problem is, this option pretty much only works on people you avoided anyway in high school. If you had any kind of relationship, more times than not, you’re stuck with option two: dialogue.

This can be pleasant if a) you look good, b)  you just received an e-mail with good news you can report, or c) you’re so bored you need human interaction of any kind. If not, you’ll probably have an obnoxiously polite conversation during which you both exaggerate and/or deprecate your own situations and then agree to have a drink you both don’t want to/or know won’t happen.

Sound fun? It’s not. Because I care about you, my readers (yes, even you, though we both avoided each other yesterday in line for a latte), I’ve prepared a guide to get you through some commonly painful situations. Remember, it’s not lying if it makes you look better.

*The following conversations may contain exaggerated content. Ex-high schooler’s I spoke to in the last week, be advised.

Situation #1: You run into someone from high school when you’re out of town, who doesn’t live with their parents.

Tip: Avoid admitting you live at your parent’s house by focusing on the future

Scene: A restuarant.

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Situation #2: You run into a successful person from high school and want to make yourself look good.

Tip: Take whatever prospects you do have, pretend they’re a balloon, and blow hard to help decorate your lie.

Setting: A coffee shop.

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Situation #3: You run into someone in your hometown who also doesn’t have a job and lives with their parents but is at ease with their situation.

Tip: Pretend you are as well so you don’t look desperate.

The scene: A yoga studio.

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